March, 2021

Love Thyself

For this first blog entry, I thought to myself: “What is the most important thing I can tell people to help them live a happier, more fulfilling life?”  My answer is “Love thyself”.  There are two types of psychological problems that we encounter in life – problems that happen to us and problems that we create.  My belief is that if we love ourselves, we can minimize the self-induced problems and, in addition, be in a better position to handle the problems that are beyond our control.

Let’s be clear: authentic love of self is not a narcissistic mindset.  In the mind of a narcissist, perfection has already been achieved.  There is no need for improvement, there are no lessons to be learned.  So, how is this different than real love?  If you love someone, you accept them.  You recognize that their faults and deficiencies do not define them.  You have patience with them, you forgive them.  You allow them to grow, you respect their free will.  Loving yourself means embracing all these affirming attributes and applying them to yourself.

Now, what is love not?  Love is not possessive or manipulative.  Love does not degrade another; it does not intend to cause guilt or shame.  Love is not transient.  It expresses itself in times of success and failure; it is understanding during difficulties.  Please, take it easy on yourself when you fail to meet your personal expectations.

The other quality about love is that one desires to spend as much time as possible with the beloved.  Thus, to love thyself, one must spend adequate time in the process of self-reflection.  You must “get close” to your most private elements: your thoughts, emotions, fears, aspirations.  Being alone and silence are necessities in the ongoing courtship of self-love.

Scientists use the metric “self-compassion” as a way of measuring self-love.  Research clearly indicates that people who rate high in self-compassion also possess a high degree of self-esteem and resiliency.  They have less anxiety when confronted with life challenges and are more adept at handling the inevitable disappointments in life.  In addition, because they are secure of their own self-worth, they do not feel threatened by the successes of others.  This allows them to have more meaningful relationships.

Suggested resource: Living a Gentle, Passionate Life by Robert Wicks.  This is an easily readable book.  It does a great job expanding upon the thoughts above.  I find it comforting to read because it all rings true to me.  Even if you don’t read the book, at least remember the title.  I think it serves as a goal for all of us to aspire toward.